1. Don't try to and tell a Joke to a comedian.
I know it's difficult to refrain from the allure of being a dollar store comedian after watching a comedy show, but try and resist. I'm sure you know a lot of great knee slappers but please keep them to yourself. As a comedian, we've heard almost every joke, punchline, and scrambled versions of both. As much as we enjoy approval from audience members post show, telling us a bastardized version of an 80 year old joke is never enjoyable to a comic. Listening to a non-comedian tell a joke would be like Beethoven listening to me play "twinkle, twinkle, little star" and me believing I was showing him a thing or two. BY NO MEANS TELL A COMEDIAN "You can use that." NO WE CAN'T!
2. Talking is Heckling.
A heckler is anyone that disrupts the flow of the show. There are several types of hecklers. The first being the most commonly known- "The Asshole." The Asshole is an audience member that is purposely trying to throw off the comedian. By either shouting "You Suck!" or various versions of that with the same intent. The Second type of heckler forgets that there is an audience in the room and begins talking straight to the comedian as if the comic is just there to have witty banter with them. Keep in mind, comedians normally have jokes planned out and know where they want each joke to end up. Most jokes dove-tail into another joke to keep the logical thought rolling. Interrupting that flow can mess up the next few jokes. Chatting with the comic while he/she is on stage is NOT "HELPING THE SHOW!" No one paid money to hear you talk to a comedian. The third type of heckler is the type that forgets completely that they're even at a live show. They either start having a loud conversation with people at their table or they actually answer their cell phone and begin chatting! If they were at least paying attention to the comic, he/she could whip them back into shape but they're not even paying enough attention to the comic that has been beaming them for the last 30 seconds.
3. Don't pre-game before the show.
I get it, it's your night out and the show doesn't start for another hour but please don't show up already drunk! It'll either make you look like "The Asshole" or it'll be an early night because you're too drunk to stay through the whole show. Your friends don't think you're funnier because you're trashed. Everyone is laughing at you not with you. Besides, drunk people don't know how to whisper but they almost always have something to say.
4. Texting is just as rude as talking on the phone.
Yes, I understand texting is quieter than talking, but the comics can see your face light up every time you open your phone. It draws unnecessary attention to yourself. People next to you can see that you're more important then what's going on in front of you. If the people you were texting are so important, then they would be sitting with you enjoying the show. Texting is rude as hell. Knock it off.
5. Don't shout out your own Punchlines.
A comedian spends a lot of time working on a bit and after all that work setting up a joke to have the laugh stolen by a sub-par punchline, is the fastest way to piss them off. I get it, you're a funny person. You can see a joke unfolding in front of you but by no means is this your time to score the laugh. Even if the comedian says his/her punchline after the laugh was stolen, it's not going to work nearly as well as it should have. Each laugh is a reward for a properly set up joke. If you didn't set up the joke you shouldn't reep the reward of the laugh. The "set up" is like pumping flamible gas fumes into the room. "The punchline" is what ignites the laughter. It's difficult to re-ignite an already spent premise. If you wanna get laughs write your own jokes and try an open mic night. Otherwise, shut the fuck up!
6. No one cares it's your Bachelorette Party or Birthday.
Congratulations, you've stayed alive for another year or your shitty boyfriend finally gave in and asked you to marry him. No one gives a shit. If you're lucky, the host/emcee will ask who has a birthday at the begainning of the show. Thats your one time to shine. Don't ask the comic to make fun of your friend just because it's their birthday/bachelorette party. In fact don't ever ask a comic to make fun of anyone. This is an annoying request. It's like pre-heckling. You want a portion of the show to be about you. Fuck off, comics are not dancing chimps. We're not here to jump through hoops for you or tap dance for your approval.
7. Unless you're at a Larry the Cable Guy show; DON'T SHOUT "GIT-R-DONE!"
As in any business, comics are competitive. They work hard to separate themselves from the rest of the pack and to have their own identity. We are super judgemental and normally don't like or think very highly of a lot of other acts, especially ones with a gimmick. Shouting "Git-R-Done" or "I keel you" mid-show is like comparing us to another act which we probably don't like or want to be compared with. It's fine to enjoy other performer's work but keep in mind you're not at their show. Try and stay relevant to what's going on in the room.
8. Turn your fucking phone OFF, not just to vibrate.
Before each show the Host/Emcee (or the announcement made at the beginning) will inform you to turn off your phone or turn it to the vibrate position. I'm shocked this still has to be said but it seems some people have never been to a live performance or theater atmosphere and still need the reminder. But even after all that about 40% of the time a phone will go off. And by some act of divine intervention, the phone always goes off during the punchline. I know there's an option to turn the phone to vibrate, but do us a favor and just turn it the fuck off. Give us an hour and a half to two hours of undivided attention and I'm sure you'll have a great time.
9. If the Comedian asks you a question, just answer it.
Sometime comedians use a line of questioning to lead into another bit. So if the comic asks you a question, just answer it. Just because a comedian is talking to you doesn't mean he's making fun of you. Also if the comic does ask a question just answer it honestly. This isn't your doorway to try and be the class clown. Example: comic: "So are you from here?" audience member: "No, I'm from my mother." Don't be a smart ass. Just answer the question. Now, I'd rather have an audience member be a smart ass than to say nothing at all. You might have heard a comedian say "This isn't t.v.!" If the comedian asks you a question feel free to respond. It'll keep the show moving.
10. SIT UP CLOSE!
Sometimes a venue's eyes are too big for their clientele. I.E. 400 seats and only 20 audience members. As an audience member; if you get to pick your own seat, please sit near the stage and encourage others to do the same. Comedy works best in crowded situations. The first thing everyone thinks is that if you sit near the front the comedian is going to make fun of them. Not true. Comedians normally only pick on people that draw too much attention to themselves. If you sit quietly and laugh when you're supposed to, you'll be fine. People are self conscious of their own laugh. That means if they can hear themselves laugh they'll probably stop. The best way to have anonymity during a show is to sit close together and laugh while everyone else is laughing. If you paid for a ticket, you might as well try and make it the best show possible.
